Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017)

If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half-hour, how long would it take before all the pills had been taken? Survivors are not buried. 70. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men? menders19 12. I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were… She fell off the bottom rung. 7. What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it?Add the letter G and it’s “gone”! 11. What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil. Rich people want it, poor people have it. And if you eat it, you’ll die? If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.” Fin Taylor (2016) Your brain. 35. A man was outside taking a walk when it started to rain. The man didn’t have an umbrella and he wasn’t wearing a hat or a hood. His clothes got soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this be?

In their house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!” Bookkeeper 104. There are eight men sitting on a couch. Three legs break off and six men leave. How many legs are remaining? A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.The letter “w.” 15. A young boy was rushed to the hospital emergency room, but the ER doctor saw the boy and refused to operate. “This boy is my son,” the doctor said. But the doctor wasn’t the boy’s father. How could this be? The catcher and the umpire. 60. Beth’s mother has three daughters. One is called Lara, the other one is Sara. What is the name of the third daughter? There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014) If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015) Nothing. 12. A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday. How is that possible?

My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016) The group included a grandmother, her daughter and her daughter’s daughter. 32. What 5-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” Andrew Bird (2008)My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014) mittans96 9. My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…” My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011) Sarah Millican performed her show Throughly Modern Millican in 2011 (Photo: BBC) No, but he’s also dead so that’s impossible. 75. If Mrs. Smith’s one-story house is entirely decorated in pink (pink walls, furniture, carpet, etc.), what color are the stairs? I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'” – Tim Vine My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016)In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018) What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” Milton Jones (2019) Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014) Josie Long is performing for three nights only at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe (Photo: Idil Sukan) The match. 73. If you spell “sit in the tub” as s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” as j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?